Control

I was talking to one of my bosses today, a 30 year old guy who's pretty cool. He asked about the holidays, I broke the news that my boyfriend and I had split up. Why? Some stupid petty little argument. In the end, it's probably for the better. My ex-boyfriend had a rather limp personality, always trying too hard to get people to like him, I think. We had fought a lot, for many reasons, but the main ones being I was unhappy because he was so devoid of emotion sometimes, him because I was too demanding.

Moi? Damanding? Oh wait. I suppose I am a little high maintenance. Only a little though.

But anyways, as my boss and I sat there, chatting about boys and life (I didn't really do any actual work) he asked if I found that I was attracted to men like my father. No, I shook my head. My dad's rather shy, closed in, very quiet unless you know him. I tend to be attracted to men with a more commanding presence, louder men. My boss said, Oh? So you can hear them talking over you?

Right. So I am loud, myself. And that's exactly why I want somebody who has a strong, colorful, dominating personality. I need somebody who can stand up to me when I'm being a brat, who won't let me walk all over them. Somebody who can handle the fact that I will probably be their intellectual equal, but that I don't necessarily want to have an equal share of power in our relationship.

While I shouldn't blame somebody for letting me walk all over them, at the same time, there's a fine line between "Whatever will make you happy, honey" and "Stop being so demanding!" Had my ex-boyfriend just started not giving me choices, I wouldn't have argued (most of the time), but his need to include me on every little decision, from where we would go to dinner to what time we'd meet at the library was tiring. Had he taken more of a part in being in charge of the relationship, I wouldn't have, couldn't have, and I would have deferred that power to him.

And while I value my independence, and don't necessarily know that I could give up all of it, there are some times when I just want somebody else to be in charge. I don't want to have to wear the pants in any kind of a relationship (whether boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife), and while I do appreciate having my opinion taken into account, it's just not that important to me to be consulted on every single issue.

So that's why I want a more dominant man. Because I am going to need somebody by my side who can handle me and not get steam-rolled in the process, somebody who respects my intelligence but can still be in control, somebody whose idea of love isn't just to give me everything I want.