Hard Questions

Someone recently asked me what it was about spanking that turns me on so much. It was a really hard question to answer, because I had never been asked it before, nor had I thought about it much. Generally when I think about spanking, I don't stop to analyze all my deepest and dirtiest little desires. But that question got me thinking. It made me wonder, too, what is it about being submissive turns me on? Why do some things get me all hot, bothered and wet while some things make me want to run far, far away? Why do I want somebody to call Sir in the bedroom, why do I want somebody to call me their little slut?

I responded to the spanking question by saying it was the humiliation that turns me on. I feel that is partially true, but not the whole truth. It was all the truth I had at the time. Thinking about it, though, I also said that it was the feeling that here was somebody who wasn't going to deal with my bullshit, and do something about it. I feel like maybe spanking isn't the 'disease', as it were, but just a symptom (this is a terrible analogy but I am at a loss for a better one). Maybe it's not the act of spanking that turns me on, per se, but instead, the idea that someone will be doing the spanking. I've tried many times to spank myself, with no effects, generally ending up less turned on after these forays than before I started.

I've wondered, in the past, if my desire to submit to somebody (generally a desire which takes form solely in the bedroom) was because of my sexual inexperience. Maybe I thought it would just make the whole experience of hooking up with somebody easier to navigate. For instance, how much easier would it be if the boy who was in bed with me wasn't stopping every thirty seconds and asking "How's this" or, "Do you want more or less of this" or "Tell me what feels good". I don't like those kinds of questions, and I've always tried to dissuade boyfriends/hook-up buddies from asking them in the past. They frustrate me, because I just want to say, Look, if I didn't like it, I'd tell you to stop. I haven't always known exactly what it is I like (I'm getting there), and those questions were almost embarrassing, because I couldn't answer them. This is similar to guys who apparently don't know if they want a blow job. None of this "You only have to do it if you want to" bullshit. Like, what? You don't like it when I go down there? Can't you just tell me what you want? Why is it always up to me?

The problem with that theory is that the more experienced I've become (which still isn't much, but equal to any of my partners) the desires I have, to be spanked and dominated, aren't going away, they're becoming stronger. I was embarrassed when a previous boyfriend commented (negatively) on his room mate's habit of wanting to be tied up while having sex, because that's something I want to do, even if he didn't know it. I want somebody to do it with me. I want somebody who wants to do it.

Maybe wanting to be spanked is just one way of expressing my want to have somebody who's more dominant in bed. Maybe my wanting to be tied up, or be made to give a blow job just comes from my want to have somebody who will do those things. Because, if I found that person, I would want to make them happy, because if they were happy, I'd be happy, too.

So we find ourselves back at the original question. What is it about spanking that turns me on so much? The way I feel his tone of voice will be, the way I want to be dressed, how I am not in control of what will happen, even though it is my fault we're in that position in the first place, the humiliation of being put over his knee when I am an adult, the feeling of being chastised, the feeling of how I should know better and of course, the feeling of his hand on my bare ass.